Bachmann stops government, continues outlandish speeches

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Posted: Wednesday, October 23, 2013 10:55 am

When all of the other politicians are huddled around the gold-plated water cooler gossiping, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann walks in and all conversation stops.  She is that weird uncle of politics and, by all means, “that guy.”

How did Bachmann, the House Tea Party Caucus founder and right-wing luminary, get to the point where even Hillary Clinton lets Bill Clinton shake his head at her actions? It all started in 2008 when she said Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” Getting reelected after that was impressive, but staying elected after her later gaffes is the true achievement.

That year was riveting as Bachmann called global warming “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax,” and 2009 kept its entertainment in an Earth Day speech where she claimed “carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t one such study because carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas…” I can only applaud Bachmann for her creativity and utter disregard for facts that have been and are continually proven true. 

Just be you, Bachmann!

Several interviews later, Bachmann befuddled her presidential timeline by confusing Democratic President Jimmy Carter with Republican President Gerald Ford. In her defense, I also usually assume that any older, balding guy I see is Jimmy Carter. 

However, I cannot use my wishful thinking hypothesis for the interview she mistook John Wayne Gacy—the mass murderer—for actor John Wayne. Bachmann stated that John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. Presumably because she had fallen asleep to an ancient episode of Cold Case.

Well, at least she never associated the abolition movement with the wrong Founding Father. No, wait, that was Bachmann too. John Quincy Adams may not have been a Founding Father, but he was probably a burly 8-year-old at the time.

Ever since she suggested longtime aide to Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin, may have ties to the Muslim Brotherhood, and that the group is trying to infiltrate the government. 

This year, Bachmann has been busy with accusing Obama of giving aid to terrorists, citing this as proof that we have entered the Last Days, dodging allegations that she improperly spent money from a Congress-related political action committee to help with her 2012 campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. 

Seven months ago, Bachmann said, “the American people, especially vulnerable women, vulnerable children, vulnerable senior citizens, now get to pay more and get less…let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens.” The Affordable Care Act has yet to kill a single woman, child or senior citizen.

On Oct. 5, Bachmann accused President Obama of giving aid to al-Qaida, which she said is proof that we are living in the Last Days. Always positive, Bachmann stated that “…we need to rejoice, Maranatha Come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand.” On the same day Bachmann gave the interview, a Delta Force operation approved by Obama nabbed a key al-Qaida figure in Libya.

Not long after Bachmann’s interview, she was impersonated by Miley Cyrus during a Saturday Night Live skit parodying Cyrus’ song “We Can’t Stop,” as an ode to the government shutdown called

“We Did Stop.” 

I cannot help the images in your head right now, but I can soothe them with Bachmann’s statement: “I’ve never done twerking in my life, and I don’t intend to take it up.”

However, seeing as she is not searching reelection in 2014, she may very well find herself twerking her way back into the limelight. She stated that if she did run again she would “…again defeat the individual who I defeated last year, who recently announced he is once again running.” Bachmann narrowly won re-election last year by 1.1 percent, but who cares about legitimate statistics?

Without Michele Bachmann, we would all look just a bit crazier.

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