It is often forgotten that Valentine’s Day was named for a Roman martyr. That is beside the point. Valentine’s Day exists in our sphere of sectioned off days, saved for idiosyncratic celebrations, and it has declared itself a time to buy heart-shaped sundries, make kitschy greeting cards and romance our current flavors of the semester.
It is important to keep in mind that some of us choose to be independent men and women, but for the rest of those binary, co-revolving stars out there, we must figure out some way to play along with the cultural expectations of Valentine’s Day.
Let us take a moment to consider some typical dating scenarios and try to spice them up a bit.
You could go see a movie. Indeed, you could see a really good movie. You could see one itching for an Oscar, or a paradigm shift in cinema if you want, but if you really want to make your relationship level up, you should take your date to the movies dressed as “Turner and Hooch.”
Live-action role playing, LARPing, is really taking off this year, but nothing says “A” for effort like revisiting old, forgotten Tom Hanks movies.
Never has there been a stronger bond between two conscious beings than the 1980’s duo between an obsessive compulsive and a grotesquely evolved member of the canine family. This idea gives a new meaning to “must love dogs.” Besides, it would be really fun to make out with whiskers.
You could also try observing the opposite gender role. Guys, its time you lay in your partner’s lap diligently, though not without some existential malaise, while she unenthusiastically exercises her x-button thumb to the tune of “Ocarina of Time,” “FIFA ‘09,” or whatever video games you play these days.
When your partner gets you roses this year, you too, can ponderously place them in a yerba mate bottle of water and nitrogen while you dream of a real gift, like the new “X-Files” comic book release.
If you two are the kind of couple that is into self-deprecating entertainment, frequenting the karaoke bar on weekends, then take another crack at performance art and go “Occupy” city hall with the population of Austin’s crust punks. It will be a nice way to build memories.
Take Polaroids with your new friends “Beans” and “Toot-Chainz,” colored with kodachrome and silly think bubbles from Urban Outfitters. Remember, if you are having trouble reading your girlfriend’s sputtering interest in you after the six months or so, you will always have the Polaroid of “Toot-Chainz” giving you the stubs-up, having lost his thumb in an Occupy scuffle over some donated vegan bologna sandwiches.
In the meantime, spend this Valentine’s Day looking up at the stars. Look how they shine for you. Actually, stars are not sentient, so they do not know you exist.
The author would like to note that the holiday known as Valentine’s Day is also her birthday, and any well-wishes or birthday presents would be welcome. Wink wink, nudge, nudge.