Survival guide: how to beat a snowpocalypse in Austin

Back to Article
Back to Article

Survival guide: how to beat a snowpocalypse in Austin

Reporter

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Alright, Austin. I understand that it has been snowing, sleeting, and overall icy recently, and that you’re overall unable to process the situation like smart human persons. You’re not accustomed to the cold–I get it. Some foreign white substance has trespassed on your land, and try as they may, authorities have not been able to deport this material back to where it came from (i.e. Colorado, Siberia, the 9th Circle of Hell). But now is not the time to wallow in your general incompetence. Now is the time to pick yourself up and face nature as the Superior Beast you are. Ice is not your friend, my friends. For your reference, I present the General Guide to the Snowpocalypse:

Wear clothes.

Now is not the time for booty shorts and fringe. Put on a coat. Arm yourself. I know sleeves aren’t typically your thing, but then again, neither is the cold. Think about it. Shoes are also a good idea. We all know that one guy who comes to class barefoot–you are not excluded, flower child. Now is not the time.

Drive well.

If you can’t drive, team up with a buddy that can and carpool. Don’t be a hero! Day 2 of the Austin Snowpocalypse resulted in 270 car wrecks from the hours of 12am to 8am. 270, people. That’s 270 reminders that you probably can’t drive, and that you really shouldn’t.

Watch out for falling ice.

According to the SEU Alert Team, ice will fall. And when the ice melts, water will fall. It will probably land on your head. This is called gravity. Watch out for it.

Come up with a solid Plan B.

I.e. barricade yourself in your house, hide your kids, hide your wife, get some canned beans, and wait it out until homeostasis is restored and the news reports are warning the Solarraysofdeathpocalypse.

*For more stories, check out Fool’s Gold at stedscomedy.wordpress.com.