LIPGLOSS: Good idea, bad idea

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Looking back on my life, I’ve been on some really horrific dates. Part of what made these dates so unfortunate was that they were actually quite close to being good.

So here’s a compilation of wonderful dates and their not-so-wonderful counterparts, inspired by this segment from the glorious “Animaniacs.”

I share these tragedies in hopes of preventing their recurrence in the lives of others.

(Note: All of the following scenarios are real.)

Good idea: Go mini-golfing with me!

Bad idea: Go mini-golfing with me and criticize my life goals!

Oddly enough, this has happened on more than one occasion. I guess there’s something about windmills and giant plaster animals that really brings out your inner righteousness.

Good idea: Watch an all-day Spongebob marathon. Spongebob is The Light, so I would be overjoyed.

Bad idea: Watch an all-day Lord of the Rings marathon, out of order, with spotty satellite signal.

As someone who had never read the books or seen the movies, this goes down as one of the most stressful, traumatic experiences of my life. This messed me up so badly that to this day I’m not 100% sure who Frodo is.

Good idea: Take me to dinner and a really awesome opera.

Bad idea: Take me to a really awesome opera and then dinner. Operas are long. It won’t be over ’til, like, 11 p.m., at which point our only choice is to wade through crowds of variously-influenced night owls at Kerbey or Magnolia.

Good idea: Get milkshakes and drive around aimlessly in the night.

Bad idea: Get milkshakes and drive around aimlessly in the night right after I’ve eaten a huge dinner, causing me to vom all over your car’s interior.

(Okay, that one didn’t actually happen. But that would suck so bad.)

Good idea: Do something fun and outdoorsy together!

Bad idea: Do something fun and outdoorsy together that neither of you have any idea how to do, like archery.

Not kidding.

This was not only scary and painful, but also plenty embarrassing as I’m pretty sure we both looked like doofuses fumbling with arrows in the middle of the park.

Good idea: Go for a romantic picnic.

Bad idea: Go for a romantic picnic and convince me to sit among some tall grasses.

Chiggers, y’all.