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LIPGLOSS: Things I don’t get about dating

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As an undergraduate 20-something with pretty minimal (read: sporadic and uneventful) dating experience, I might not seem qualified to be writing a dating blog for undergraduate 20-somethings. But I know enough to be aware of all the weird little nooks and crannies of today’s dating culture. So here it goes, post number one featuring what baffles me the most.

1) All this vocab. Alright. Did some board of teen girls get together one weekend while I was at my grandma’s house and write the bizarre dating lexicon we use today? I’ve heard terms like “hook up” or “go out” mean everything from confessing a crush to more PG-13 activities. The same problem generally applies to “make out” as well. Then there’s the always-vague “see” (as in, “I’m sort of seeing this guy right now…”), and my personal favorite, “talk to.” Apparently “talking to” a boy now means you’re semi-dating him? I think? On what planet does basic verbal communication with someone indicate a romantic plot? And what should the ratio of boys you talk to versus boys you talk to be? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

2) Is it still okay to, like, date multiple people? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m under the impression that, in the “old days,” girls might go on a date with Johnny on Friday, Archie on Saturday, and maybe Billy on Sunday if Billy played his cards right. Golly! That sounds fantastic! Until you started “going steady,” you were off the hook!

Can I still do this? Will it make me an infidel/temptress/femme fatale/less savory term? Is it even possible to keep a social calendar like that anymore? I feel like people nowadays go directly from pining away in secret to being Facebook Official with matching sweatshirts to prove it. Help. 

3) Why is lipgloss such a double-edged sword? Don’t get me wrong, I wear it. I love it. Heck, I named my blog and corresponding pseudonym after it. Some of my fondest memories of late childhood were buying a new kind of lipgloss, eating exactly half the tube, and using the rest to feel sassy and polished and glam. But I’ve never used a lipgloss that wasn’t some variation glitter-goop.

If lipgloss is supposed to, you know, draw attention to your desirable kissy-face, therefore increasing your chances of being kissed in theory, why is it so gross in practice? Whoever you’re kissing comes away looking like a messy glossy doofus and that’s just no fun for anybody.

4) Is this even a date? Ugh. This is by far the most frequent and confusing question I encounter when it comes to “romance.” So if a guy hangs out with you… and pays for everything… and generally treats you like you’re the best thing since the Internet… What is that? What if he also calls you dude? And like, high fives you? But then walks you to your car? And then gives you really sentimental Christmas presents? What? This is not a rhetorical question, boys/men. I ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT CATEGORY OF INTERACTION THIS FALLS UNDER. We all do.

Answers? Questions? Concerns? Eloquent rants? Email: [email protected]

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LIPGLOSS: Things I don’t get about dating