The Football Prophesies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophesies.

NFL Week 6:

Carolina at Atlanta: Atlanta

This is a toss up, but I like the Falcons because of the home banjo advantage.

Indianapolis at Cincinnati: Cincinnati

The Colts are so bad Peyton Manning is spinning in his cryogenic chamber. 

Philadelphia at Washington: Washington

Can’t we put our petty differences aside and just play politics?

St. Louis at Green Bay: Green Bay

All 53 Rams will suffer broken cups.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh

Nothing renders me catatonic like Jaguars football. Shake me when it’s over and kindly rinse my drool bucket. Danke schoen.

Buffalo at New York Giants: Buffalo

The Empire State’s best? East meets West. Sunday’s gonna be off the chain: Buffalo Bills, deliverin’ pain.

San Francisco at Detroit: Detroit

Say what you will about Detroit as a city; the trash cans downtown aren’t the only things on fire right now.

Cleveland at Oakland: Oakland

Ever seen Angels in the Outfield? Something tells me Al Davis will pull all the right strings.

Houston at Baltimore: Baltimore

Texan Buzz Saw Massacre.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans

My gut tells me ‘Bet the Saints.’ My brain tells me ‘I’m up here, fool.’

Dallas at New England: New England

Tony Romo mails it in after his petition to play in a fur coat dies in committee.

Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago

The ship is on fire and they’re out of turkey legs. Only their beards can save them now.

Miami at New York Jets: New York

Capital selection for Monday Night Football, suits! We’ll all be waiting with bated breath for this outcome. Jets by 4 touchdowns, a home run, and–forget it–a power play goal.