Dinner, movies and dates join the list of endangered species

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Alas, dating while in college is not what it used to be. College students have more “flings” and “hookups” than real romantic dates, and it is safe to say that the idea of getting married as an undergraduate student is like finishing Capstone submissions a week early: not common and almost rare. Once, a professor told me that her mother during freshman orientation was told that if she did not get engaged by Christmas, she was not trying hard enough and there would be nothing Santa could do to help her. But those were the days of arranged marriages and no Internet access for easy hookups, so that kind of pressure does not exist anymore.

Have you ever been on an atrocious date? I am not talking about a date that ended in a warm hug and sleeping alone; I am talking about the kind of date where you pushed your food around the edges of your plate until it screamed just to break up the awkwardness. At the other spectrum of atrocity, there is the type of date where the less than captivating conversation consists of you holding your ears pressed against your hand as the creature sitting across from you spews out every detail about its life. If you have not experienced either of these, “going down the unbeaten path” should not apply here. If you have, I am currently mourning for you.

Where am I going with this? The fear of a bad date should not stop you from trying them out. Whether you are asking or being asked, recognize that it is a dying practice. It is like the Sumerian language or macaroni art. And if you do find yourself on a date (the dying practice) trying to leave in whatever way you can (practicing dying), here are a few tips to relieve yourself (not actually relieving yourself, although doing that in front of him/her will get the job done).

Focus on the food/event. If you cannot stand whatever is sitting across from you, just focus on what is in front of you. Recommendation: pick the place. That way, you can just sit back and enjoy whatever happens. The date will seem like just a minor inconvenience coupled with something enjoyable.

You can also feign illness. If you are unable to choose the place, you can blame it on the environment/food. If you did pick the place, then you can blame it on whatever you want, really. I suggest blaming Ebola; I hear that virus is showing signs of resurgence. Can you fake a cough, or do you know how to turn pale? I am bad at both (because turning pale and being pale are two different things), but faking sickness can really be advantageous.

The point is, give dating a shot. There are plenty of eligible men and women at St. Edward’s who would love a good meal and your company. If it goes awry, then what’s the worst that can happen? A police report? A broken body part? That should not deter anybody.

For more stories, check out Fool’s Gold at stedscomedy.wordpress.com