Miley Cyrus’ “BANGERZ” does not bang, merely bops

Bangerz was released Oct. 4, 2013. 

“Bangerz” was released Oct. 4, 2013. 

It’s 7:20 pm on Sunday and I should be working on Submission 3 for Capstone, but instead I’m taking the time to write for you my thoughts on “BANGERZ,” Miley Cyrus’ chart-topping album. 

After days of binge-listening, I have come to the conclusion that “BANGERZ,” contrary to what Miley’s been spewing, doesn’t exactly bang, it’s more like a bop. This is what an emerging pop star sounds like in 2013, and that’s just something we’ll have to accept. 

Adore You: This song is a total a cheesefest, but it actually sounds pretty sweet compared to the rest of this abrasive, garbage can of an album.

We Can’t Stop: Y’all already know about this mess. Nothing’s changed.

SMS (BANGERZ) (feat. Britney Spears): You’d think at least think the title track should be a banger, right? Well, it’s not. On an album called “Bangerz,” I have counted zero so far. This song has a wicked tricked-out beat, but that’s because it was created by Mike WiLL Made It. And I refuse to acknowledge the vacant android of a singer that is Britney Spears in 2013.

4×4 (feat. Nelly): Miley has country roots. She wants to make that notion very clear on this track, and does so by including in it her best “Cotton-Eyed Joe” impression. As if that’s not bad enough, she then throws Nelly into the mix. I actually hate this song, but I force myself to listen to it to stay humble. 

My Darlin’ (feat. Future): I never remember this is a song. I just think of it as the intro to “Wrecking Ball,” so… on to the next. 

Wrecking Ball: This is a dope track and I don’t care if anyone thinks otherwise. Madonna writhed around in a wedding dress for this track. Britney donned a schoolgirl outfit for this track. Rihanna offered you space under her umbrella for this track.

Love Money Party (feat. Big Sean): The beat is sticky enough to pick up, but more often than not, this is just annoying drivel. Regardless though, Big Sean remains forgettable.

#GETITRIGHT: Pharrell is producing a number of big songs this year, and this song is one of them. Miley is at her best when production isn’t drowning her in a white girl ratchet persona (Xtina and Ke$ha did it better, honestly). But Miley sounds less like a poser here than anywhere else on this album.

Drive: Miley should thank Mike WiLL for not giving these tracks to more capable pop stars. That being said, this is another spazzy, electro power ballad that manages to be just as melodramatic as “Wrecking Ball.”

FU: If you’re ever in the mood for a debauched dubstep carnival show tune, give this song a go. Miley gets the last laugh here though, because no other relevant pop singer could make such a random, bizzaro, goof troop of a song and get away with it.

Do My Thang: One of the few “bangerz” on the album, this song sounds even better when you don’t admit to the fact that these lyrics, much like most of Miley’s musical rebirths, mean absolutely nothing at all.

Maybe You’re Right: This is the passionately basic muzak they play in Kohl’s or during an ABC Family show.

Someone Else: I have nothing of merit to say about this song, Miley starts shrieking around the 3:57 mark. It slaughters the vibe, causing me to immediately peace out.

Rooting For My Baby: What happened to Baby Bash? After a quick Wikipedia search, it turns out he was arrested back in 2011 and is prepping for the release of his eighth studio album, supposedly titled “Weedsmoke.” Enthralling stuff! Baby Bash had no part in making this track, but it does sound like something he would have produced back in the early-2000s when mainstream radio was groovy and nothing hurt our ears. Anyways, this song was my pick for best on the album. 

On My Own: Miley tries to sound like Michael Jackson. That’s it. It isn’t a bad song, it’s actually pretty sparkly, just not worthy of a retweet.

Hands in the Air (feat. Ludacris): Where is Ludacris and what have you done with him, Miley? Truthfully, Luda probably made bank off of this dollar menu track, so good for him. I’m done here.

You can follow Jonathan on Twitter @slagsavant.