Ah, Valentine’s Day: The day when everyone comes together in rituals filled with corn-syrup chocolates, chubby pygmies and folded paper that somehow manages to cost $3.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a haughty adversary of consumerism, but…well, I’m a haughty adversary of consumerism. I could bore you with the thousand reasons true love cannot and should not be expressed through material goods, but you’ve probably heard it all before. Instead, here are five fun ways to stick it to Valentine’s Day.

1. Rearrange your local shopping mart.

Hide the Valentine’s cards behind your own homemade “My consolations for the death of your creativity” cards. Put romance novels in the meat freezer. Build a diaper fort in front of the birth control section. Heck, build diaper forts everywhere. Diapers can be used to construct all sorts of fascinating, impromptu architectural projects. The possibilities are endless; bring a friend and be imaginative!

2. Go to a nearby skate park and watch teenagers fall down.

Maybe I’m just being fastidious, but I’ve got a 16-year-old brother and nothing irks me more than the way his friends talk to each other. If you’re feeling a little down on Valentine’s Day, nothing will cheer you up more than watching people you detest intentionally introducing their faces to cold, hard concrete. Microwave yourself a bag of popcorn and drive on over; it’s cheaper than a movie and twice as fun.

3. Watch war movies.

Are pink and white decorations accosting your eyeballs at every turn? Have overpriced chocolates left you obese and feeling lonely? Are you losing faith in the human race and yourself? Nothing puts things into perspective like a good war movie. Think you’re having a bad day? Well, that guy just got stabbed in the face. Go watch “Braveheart,” from back when Mel Gibson was a competent actor. You think you know pain? You don’t know pain like Mel Gibson knows pain.

4. Play with fire.

You have to face it at some point—you can broadcast your strong disapproval of a corporately sanctioned holiday with as much tenacity as you wish, but those few daring friends are still going to give you something. But fear not, my stubborn revolutionaries! As Todd Lewis of the Toadies once moaned, “Fire is bright, fire is clean.” Show your sheep friends how edgy and ascetic you are with a Hallmark bonfire. Not only will it be a source of warmth in this schizophrenic Texas February, but the carcinogenic toxins present in the cards will make the flames turn pretty colors. It goes without saying that starting greeting card fires is dangerous and highly frowned upon by local authorities.

5. Be a serial hugger.

These listed activities are what some people may label “mischievous” or, at worst, “morally reprobate.” Though the things listed above are more fun than exchanging overpriced novelties, the real point of sticking it to Valentine’s Day is showing people that affection can be expressed without the help of a multinational corporation. So give someone a hug—it won’t kill you. Hug your family, your friends and even strangers if you can muster the courage. There’s no telling who needs it the most.

 

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