Maybe a population Purge isn’t such a bad idea


Jose Flores

The first installment of the Purge series came out in 2013

Jose Flores, Staff Writer

We’ve all heard the phrase, “There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague,” coined by Dwight Schrute from “The Office.” But how many of us have actually taken that to heart?

If you’ve ever played “Plague Inc.,” a game where you win by creating a plague that wipes out all human life, then you know we are only a super bug away from getting completely wiped away in that plague. Maybe it’ll be airborne, or maybe it’ll be contact based. It might even be spread by cats or dogs. However, if we allow a plague to do the work we won’t be able to eat the remains. More on that later.

Although, if you do believe this, then you should be of the mindset that mother nature is taking way too long to wipe us off this planet.

What am I proposing? The Purge. With a twist.

This sounds crazy but, if you’ll lend me your ears for just 500 words I can totally explain. See, pretty soon we’re gonna come up on 10 billion people inhabiting this earth, and as we all know there’s a doomsday stonehenge in where else but Georgia; Satan’s favorite fiddle playing state.

The stones are actually called the Georgia Guidestones. Anyways, this illuminati-like doomsday stonehenge reads that Earth must maintain its population at 500 million and that we must not be a cancer to the planet in order to live successfully. Now, these instructions were left by a rich evil genius who used the pseudonym R. C. Christian.

It’s rumored that he is or was one of the richest men in the world. As we all know the richer someone is, the more qualified they are to tell us how to live. I like most people cough up blood randomly from time to time but like some cool rich dudes said, I don’t need affordable healthcare. If anything, I’m helping us get to that 500 million faster.

So, what I’m saying is that mother nature is taking way too long to get here with that plague, and super-rich powerful cult leaders are telling us that we have to wipe out about 95 percent of the world’s population. With this in mind, we should totally get this train moving forward full-steam ahead and without any actual intention of stopping.

Hell, why stop at 500 million? Why not just 100 million? The less people on Earth, the less we’ll need a new plague. And isn’t that a relief? Global warming will probably stop and there would be an abundance of food because we’ll be able to just eat all the dead people. I’ve heard of cannibal tribes and cannibal cartels but wouldn’t it be cool if everyone was a cannibal?

Why not help the planet by reducing the population and take a huge bite out of someone while doing it? Maybe a light seasoning of salt, pepper and certainly some olive oil to keep it healthy. Honestly I’m just proposing this so I can live out my Hannibal/Dexter desires but, we should totally get a petition going. After all, it’s spooky season, and what better time propose such an idea?