Hilltop Views

10 satiric distractions students face during finals season

@g_wilkosz

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Across campus, Hilltoppers are preparing to plunge headfirst into the icy waters of finals. But before making the dive, here are several distractions that are familiar to many students.

1. It’s crowded at the library, but you find a place to settle down. You pull out a planner, textbooks and laptop from your backpack. Just as you become situated, ready to hammer out this essay, someone taps you on the shoulder. They say, “Can I borrow a pencil?”

2. While you’re normally environmentally conscious, during finals it’s like, you know what, let the forests burn. For what seems like 100% of the time you’ve been at the library, a constant stream of noise pollution from the bathroom’s paperless hand dryers distracted you. Now instead of going green you’re fuming red.

3. Why is one of the librarians on the intercom telling everyone that the library is now closing? You’ve only been here for 30 minutes at most. You check your watch. It’s been six days.

4. The boy sitting in front of you has given up early. He’s wearing a onesie made of a print composed entirely of cartoon alpacas. You consider dropping out of college to run an alpaca farm in Peru. At least there you can practice your Spanish without having to take a test on it.

5. Is that a piece of gum under the table?

6. In a heartwarming embrace, what appear to be two long lost friends reunite before you. Through speech adorned with excited giggles and exaggerated hand gestures, they begin talking. And then they just don’t stop. You think to yourself, “Am I at a family reunion?” No, you’re just trying to study for finals.

7. Just when you thought things couldn’t get more distracting, admissions brings in another round of prospective students. “Yeah! That’s right!” You want to get up on a table and scream. “I slept for four hours last night and the closest thing I’ve had to a hot meal in days was a honey bun from the vending machine that I accidentally sat on!” But instead of saying anything, you zone out looking at a blank computer screen. The campus tourists leave by the time you come to.

8. All the printers on campus become jammed simultaneously. You are heartbroken yet impressed.

9. Had enough of the noise so you decide to go to a private study room? Too bad. The walls are paper thin and that hip guy in the fedora next to you is blasting Skrillex. Maybe you’ll shave your head and make music that sounds like angry aluminum-scraping too.

10. In a desperate scramble for social interaction, you text your friend and ask them to come study with you. No thanks, they say. The library is too quiet for them.

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The Student News Site of St. Edward's University
10 satiric distractions students face during finals season