LIPGLOSS: What not to do on Valentine’s Day

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LIPGLOSS is a weekly dating and humor blog. Check back every Thursday for anything from restaurant reviews to dating advice to eclectic lists.

Ah, Valentine’s day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and elementary school children everywhere are chugging pixie sticks and fruit punch with Sour Patch residue on their lips. 

I personally enjoy the heck out of Valentine’s day. Even when I’m single, the combination of the ultra-kitschy color scheme and saccharine traditions makes this one of my favorite holidays. 

But there are still so many ways to mess it up. I’ve compiled a few of them–some from personal experience, others from general observations over the years.

So, whatever you do, do not:

1) Ditch your significant other for a minor league basketball game.

This one explains itself. I’m not saying you’re supposed to drop everything and orchestrate some kind of rom-com level surprise. Just, you know, exist at some point during the day in the other person’s life. And just, like, don’t go to a minor league basketball game in the first place. 

2) Chase your targeted valentine all over campus, forcing them to hide in the mail room for hours because all they want to do is eat chocolate and watch Netflix alone.

Not to sound like that girl on your news feed humble-bragging about “having so many stalkerssss,” but being unwilling Valentine’s prey is one of the most terrifying things in the world. Yes, sometimes it’s great to pursue someone, but that aggressively? On the day of? If it’s 8 p.m. and you don’t have plans, don’t go a-huntin’.

3) Take your date to a super-ritzy symphony or play, but hold off eating until around 11 p.m.

This has happened to me on several occasions, but the most extreme case was on Valentine’s Day. I can’t even tell you what the show was about, because I could barely hear anything over the sound of my stomach trying to digest itself.

4) Talk incessantly about how much you hate Valentine’s Day.

Honestly, if you’re a college student, by this point you’ve had around 20 years to alert the world of your grudge. I really don’t think you need to reiterate your hatred. You’re being a Valen-tool. Eat some candy, smell some flowers, and re-evaluate your life.

5) Talk incessantly about how much you don’t care about Valentine’s Day.

Shh! You’re blowing your cover! If you keep running your mouth about how over it and totally apathetic you are, it’s painfully obvious that you’re just a hurt lil’ puppy who wants to curl up in a ball and listen to John Mayer ’til March.

6) Get sad.

It’s not worth it! It’s just a commercial holiday. Watch “Love Actually” a couple times to remind yourself that Love, actually, is all around. Get some chocolate-covered strawberries and treat yourself to the best damn home-date you’ve ever experienced. Have a Me Party.