‘Rand’ into a problem: senator for Kentucky plagiarizes

Staff Writer

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What do Sen. Rand Paul, his father former Rep. Ron Paul, and drag queen RuPaul all have in common? None of them are going to be president of the United States.

Now, what does Sen. Paul have in common with every ninth grader in America? Ninety percent of their work is plagiarized from Wikipedia.

The difference between the senator and ninth graders who get caught plagiarizing is that the students have graduated from saying things like “The footnote police have really been dogging me for the last week.”

Perhaps Paul should not be blamed for his blatant blunders—such as plagiarizing quotes from the Cato Institute, Gatestone Institute, Heritage Foundation, the Associated Press and other sources. After all, Paul has a staff that works for him so who are we to think he actually writes his own speeches and books? It’s not Paul’s fault that one of his staffers was stressed out, having writer’s block and had the idea of copying the Wikipedia page for a “Gattaca” after just watching it on his phone during one of the senator’s speeches.

Honestly, props go to the guy who was able to write a couple of speeches by copying the Wikipedia pages for the movies “Gattaca” and “Stand and Deliver” without any of the other staffers and the senator noticing.

Paul stated that he will admit that “sometimes we haven’t footnoted things properly;” but really, who wants a footnote that looks like this: “Source- Taken from that movie about a high school teacher who inspired high school dropouts to learn calculus?”

Furthermore, in Paul’s defense, video of the speech does show that he made air quotes with his hands—this clearly indicates he understood they were not his own words. The fact that the phrases he stole from Wikipedia were printed in quotes only shows dedication towards preserving the dignity of the site’s infallible public editors.

Thankfully, Paul assured the press that there would be an office restructuring for the prevention of future incidences. Maybe Paul should invest some of his personal or campaign money for a premium account on the site EasyBib to help his staff with citations.

If this plagiarizing scandal comes back to haunt Paul when he runs for reelection or the White House at least he has a backup plan.

“To tell you the truth, people can think what they want, I can go back to being a doctor anytime, if they’re tired of me,” Paul said. “I’ll go back to being a doctor, and I’ll be perfectly content.”

We know what Paul is doing to rectify his actions, but how does Paul feel about being “unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters?” The most eloquent way he could put it after sentencing all of his staff writers to the corner was “It annoys the hell out of me.” Well put, sir, well put.