Former Gov. Palin gaffes, crack-ups make her unlikely candidate

Staff Writer

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Sarah Palin will always have an answer. The problem is that she usually does’t understand the question. If we look at her tweet history, we can see that sometimes Palin doesn’t even understand how questions work. “So we’re bombing Syria because Syria is bombing Syria? And I’m the idiot?” The only people allowed to answer a question with a question are lawyers and Socrates. Moreover, the only people allowed to ask “and I’m the idiot?” are people expecting the answer to be “No.” 

What’s ironic about Sarah Palin saying so many thoughtless things is that she received her bachelor’s in communications. I know—I couldn’t believe someone would give her a degree either. For shame, University of Idaho, for shame. Her latest communications gaffe occurred last Saturday when she decided American people should be freed from our slave debt. Wait, what? 

Palin was Tea Party-ing it up at a conservative fundraiser in Iowa when she decided enough time had passed to make a slavery reference. Too soon? Palin stated that when the money the U.S. is borrowing from China is due, “and this isn’t racist,” she promises, “it’ll be like slavery…” (promise broken.) “We are going to beholden to the foreign master” (promise shattered into billions of racial pieces.)

Unfortunately, Palin released no exact statement as to where America’s Underground Railroad will lead, but let’s never forget that from the starting point (Alaska), “you can see Russia.” Moronic words or shrewdly implied phrase? But really, haven’t Americans been through enough—enslaving others, keeping women’s rights at bay, slowly killing the earth one oil spill at a time. We really don’t need this right now, China.

Perhaps Palin’s new book “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas” will have the answers we need. According to Time Magazine, Palin’s book “covers more ground than a bald eagle skimming the shores of Wasilla Lake.” Palin keeps her book thoroughly upbeat with recipes like Merry Christmoose Chili and quotes about how “the logical result of atheism … is severe moral decay.” Personally, my morals are impeccable and people seem to like my Happy Holiday Chili just fine.

Happy Holidays are just not Jesus enough for Palin. To release her newest book, she went to the most Christian-based place she could pay her staffers to name: Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. For her book’s debut, she wore her custom-made sweatshirt proclaiming, “It’s OK to wish me a Merry Christmas!” This made me wonder, besides atheists, liberals, gays, and abortions for people who aren’t Bristol Palin, what isn’t Sarah Palin okay with?

Well, Palin draws the line at virtually undeniable theories—like the Theory of Evolution. “I bet Charles Darwin never understood this,” says Palin: “If the world could be described as truly ‘survival of the fittest,’ why would people collectively be stricken with a spirit of generosity in December?” Maybe for the same reason people were “stricken” with the Black Death. 

In 2013, during an interview, Palin said she is contemplating a run for U.S. Senate. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sarah Palin like I love my adorable, loony nana who has Alzheimer’s; but, just like my nana with Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t give her a knife or America’s nuclear launch codes.