Is it so much to ask our fragile feminine gender to stay and take care of the home, while our masculine, virile husbands face the big bad world? Women, as proven by science, were biologically designed to have children and stay home to cook the food earned by our significant others. Why would our hands be so small if they were not meant to clean those hard-to-reach places in our pristine homes?

Many women revolted against this role in the home, calling it “oppressive” and complaining about how “isolated” they felt. I strongly disagree with the idea that women are being oppressed. After all, what is more fulfilling than raising children and cooking? Personally, I came to college to find a wealthy and successful man with whom I can lead a comfortable and fulfilling life. Because of these sentiments, I am proposing St. Edward’s University create an academic major in housewifery so that I, and my fellow feminine students, can stop wasting our time taking classes like rhetoric and composition or sociology. Instead, I propose a very diverse set of classes that St. Edward’s could offer for a major in housewifery:

THE HISTORY OF HOUSEWIVES FROM EVE TO THE REAL

HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

This class will offer women insight into how housewives of different generations have found success, or failure, when pleasing their husbands and society.

YOUR ROLE IN THE HOME AND SOCIETY

The aim of this class is to train a woman to be docile, gentle and, most importantly, quiet.

HOW TO ARTFULLY HIDE

RESENTMENT IN PIES, CAKES, SANDWICHES AND MORE

Self explanatory.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION 101

How to ignore your anger and frustrations by subtly hinting at whatever might be bothering you. These bothersome issues may range from messy bedrooms to infidelity.

RAISING A PRIVILEGED LITTLE BRAT

This class will teach you how to provide every unnecessary toy and attention to your favorite child. There is also a lab included with this class: Deciding on a favorite child.

MAKING A PROPER SANDWICH DEPENDENT ON YOUR HUSBAND’S MOOD

Tuna salad for frustration at work, ham and cheese for annoyances with the children, etc.

MIXOLOGY IN PRIVACY

Will provide women with the basic understanding of where to hide alcohol and how to make the most inconspicuous drinks.

THROWING PARTIES FOR PEOPLE YOU SECRETLY HATE

This class can provide any woman, no matter how outspoken they are, with advice on how to plan and execute the perfect party for their husband’s work friends and their evil wives.

PROPER ETIQUETTE IN GOSSIP

The main topic of this class will be how to work the phrase “Bless her soul…” into any piece of gossip so as to not offend.

7 DIFFERENT 7 LAYER DIPS

Enough said.

ACQUIESCENCE IN MARRIAGE THROUGHOUT HISTORY

Not only will this class look at the heroines of marriage, but it will also take a look at the villains (Madame Bovary, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem).

VOTING: IS IT REALLY OUR RIGHT?

The professor in this class will take an in depth look at the psychology behind a woman’s decision to vote, and if it is really what’s important for America.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR

HUSBAND’S JOB

Those job titles (salesman, executive, plumber) can get to be too confusing for most women. St. Edward’s anti-feminist English department will clear up any misunderstandings.

 Now, I understand that the horrid and embarrassing “feminism movement” is still going on, trying to force women into professions. I propose we revert back to pre-war (WWI, that is) normalcy, when everyone was happy. The late, great Warren G. Harding first proposed this idea of “returning to normalcy” after the Great War. I am personally very dedicated to Harding’s idea that women were comfortable in the home before the war. Alas, during the war, all of our hard-working men had to focus their strength and intelligence to the war effort. Women were left to bear the workforce burden. Unfortunately, this new opportunity “empowered” women and gave them a false sense of freedom. The real freedom they could have been enjoying was in the home. This return to normalcy is taking too long and has faced too many setbacks from the very un-feminine women of the 1960s and 1970s. With my proposal, we women can finally liberate ourselves from the misguided pressure we receive to work outside the home. With the prospect of this housewifery major being provided to the female students of St. Edward’s, other schools may even catch on. Rise to the occasion, women! Demand a useful education.