Countless people all over the world tuned into the British royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on Friday, making themselves vulnerable to a sinister plot.

Though many United Kingdom citizens have argued that the wedding is a waste of resources during a time of harsh austerity and economic hardship, these individuals have not considered the underlying purposes of the wedding. Though the royal family and its supporters have argued that the wedding boosts morale and tourism, the real underlying purpose for the wedding is obviously much more sinister.

The British royal family understands the cult of celebrity all over the world but recognizes its particular importance in the United States. Charlie Sheen has gotten more press in recent months than some nations in full-on political upheaval. The royal family knows that if it can hook us with the suspense of waiting for the dress and the cake and the silly hats and the commoner-to-princess fable, it can start slowly reeling us in.

That’s right — reeling us back in to the empire that the sun used to never set on.

It will start slowly. After the wedding, the royal family might invite the Obamas to the Royal Ascot this summer. The First Lady will don a ridiculous feather-covered fascinator, inspiring a new fashion fad in the U.S. The recent wedding, our newfound love of silly hats and the popular resurgence of “Dr. Who” will spark another British invasion. Before we even notice the cultural shift, the U.S. will be sponsoring a cricket team, the newest participant in the Commonwealth Games. And, unlike with soccer/”football,” once cricket enters the picture, there’s no turning back.

We must not let this recent show of dazzling opulence distract us from the royal family’s nefarious scheme. We must remember how America got here in the first place. All of the Will and Kate memorabilia we have collected, all of the Union Jacks we have waved, all of the comparisons to Princess Diana we have crafted and all of the DVRs we had set to four in the morning are unpatriotic, treasonous acts.

The U.S. should indeed be worried about losing its status at the world’s superpower. But in the next 30 years, we need not be concerned about adopting Chinese as our national language or being overtaken by outsourcing to India. With such sinister scheming across the pond, we should really be concerned about adopting Britain’s Received Pronunciation and penchant for tea, scones and clotted cream.